I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
