We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
