Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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