Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
