i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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