it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
