we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
