How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
