the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
