My sheets look like a crime scene.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
