my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
