I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
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There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
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Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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