Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
