Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
