hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
