So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
