I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
