Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
