I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
ok first of all what the fuck
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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