i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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