he thought i was a dude.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
