we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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