I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
