dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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