When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
