I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Randomize
