You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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