yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
