I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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