we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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