They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
