96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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