Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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