Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
