I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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