my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
