My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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