I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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