she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Someone signed my nipple.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
