So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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