i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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