This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
