So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
