One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
