And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
