the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize