mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
