I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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