I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
