I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
