haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
