If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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