woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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