hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
