Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
